Celebrity Dreams (written in 2005)

Celebrity Dreams

As a young teenager, I had one dream about James Dean, who was my idol at that time.  In the dream he was a very old man, but still trying to act like a young kid, and was trying to pressure me into drinking a beer, but I didn’t.  I felt like that dream showed me that what’s cool when you’re young is only pathetic in full adulthood, but I still continued to idolize him throughout my adolescence.

My idolhood for James Dean diminished over time, notably toward the end of college, but I will always have a fond place for him because he was who I wanted to be in junior high and high school.  I felt a connection with him, as if we were one in the same, especially since he had several homosexual affairs and many believe he was much more attracted to men than women.

Because I was afraid that I was only sexually attracted to women (I wasn’t even sexually attracted to James Dean!), I felt that we were two parts of the same person and could be whole if we were together.  I thought he was the person I was supposed to marry (in the afterlife, of course), and for the longest time, I thought I was only supposed to get married to a man in this life if he were homosexual.

I also felt James Dean and I looked somewhat alike, both of us having very strong jaw-lines and similar body types with a large rib-cage, being short-waisted, with a large head in proportion to our bodies.  I didn’t know if he had big hands and feet like I did, but he seemed to have a barrel chest, which is mostly common in men but which I (in addition to my other unfortunate masculine qualities) definitely have, and he was only a few inches taller than me.

Our hair color was comparable as well, and although he had prettier lips than me and more prominent cheekbones, and was quite prettier than me in general, to be honest, I felt our similarities were striking.  I actually felt he was more feminine and I was more masculine, so together we could be a complete person.  Mostly, I identified with his portrayal of Cal Trask in “East of Eden,” for I, too, was rejected by my parents. (Granted, he was only acting, but it was so real to me that I incorporated Cal into James Dean.)

My first sexual dream occurred when I was a young teenager, and it starred my first celebrity sexual fantasy, Marilyn Monroe (not my first celebrity crush, which is Stevie Nicks, but my first sexual fantasy).  Marilyn’s perfect, succulent body had fascinated me to no end, and she and James Dean were my twin idols in adolescence.

The scene in this dream was shot from overhead – on a large white bed with no sheets, some man was having sex with me, both of us lying on our sides facing each other, his arms all over me. His face couldn’t be seen, as he was turned to my neck, though I remember my face was looking away, completely bored.

Then Marilyn Monroe entered the room and climbed onto the bed, on top of me, pushing the man away, and the man somehow disappeared. The scene showed me smiling gratefully as I turned from my side and lay on my back in the bed, reaching out to Marilyn and pulling her tightly onto me. The rest of the dream was just me and Marilyn Monroe together and it was wonderful.

(During junior high and high school I was so sexually fascinated with Marilyn Monroe, but as I got into college, I became more attracted to Elizabeth Taylor, who represented true natural beauty to me while Marilyn mainly represented sexiness and artificial beauty.  But like my fondness for James Dean, I will always hold a place for Marilyn, because she represented the ideal female sexual body and in my first ever sexual dream, she showed me how right it could be with another woman.)

I’ve had two dreams with Angelina Jolie, but in both cases I was only able to kiss her.  I was too scared and overcome to do more, though I woke up angry both times, wishing my dream had gone further.

I’ve had several dreams about Elizabeth Taylor, but in most of them I was either just collecting dolls of her or pictures of her because I’m just so mesmerized by her beauty.  In one dream, however, I was actually able to kiss her, and in this dream she was only in her late teens, not yet married, and I felt so guilty for corrupting her that I started crying and had to stop kissing her.  Again, I woke up angry, wishing I had gone further.  The most beautiful woman ever!

I had a dream that I was a guest at Mick Jagger’s house, and so was a beautiful blonde woman.  When Mick saw me looking at her, he had sex with her in front of me, just to show me that I would never be able to get her.  The whole time he was smirking at me and sneering and I was very angry and jealous when I woke up.

I had a spiritual dream about the four members of Led Zeppelin, but because it is such a sacred dream, I can’t share it with anyone (unless the surviving members of Led Zeppelin themselves want to hear it).

I had a dream that Mark Wahlberg and I were roommates, and he had heard me telling some of “our” friends that he was a bad actor and should be in jail for brutally beating up a guy in a bar fight a long time ago (gouging out the poor guy’s eye, which is horrible and makes me sick, and I really don’t know if Wahlberg was ever properly punished for that), and so he planned to kill me when I came home.  I hid in my room the whole time and pretended not to be home.

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