I resumed the affair with my married friend a couple months ago, partly because he is the only one I can talk to about my crushes on girls and my sexual frustration. So I broke my promise to God as far as remaining celibate until marriage. I don’t think God will ever trust me again because I’ve broken so many promises to Him. But I don’t regret resuming the affair. For one, when I’m with my married friend, I’m able to sleep better because his apartment has better insulation and the sound doesn’t carry through as much as it does in mine.
And also I just like being able to talk freely and frankly about my desires and frustrations. I’ve told him about how upsetting it is to have so many dreams about women, knowing they will never come true anymore. He’s the only one I can tell this to. I do care about him very much and would never want to hurt his wife or daughter. In my mind, and certainly in his, his wife and daughter come first. Always. But since they’re away and I’m here, I substitute. I’m a placeholder. I’m well aware of that.