In thinking about Robert Hannibal, which my mind loves doing, I thought that no matter what happens with him, the way I look at men has changed. Now that I really understood what it was like to be attracted to men, I didn’t think I could tolerate men the way I had done recently. I thought of some of the men I had recently been with and I didn’t think I would have patience to do it for free anymore.
For instance, early this past fall, when I decided I really wanted to have threesomes and try “swinging,” before I give up entirely on this life and become a fully-fledged and committed Mormon, I searched on Craigslist. Unfortunately, I still only ended up with men, not women.
My Craigslist searching for threesomes paralleled how, after my break-up with “Dee,” my first love that was actually returned, I scoured Craigslist looking for other girls to ease my break-up pain. Although I ended up meeting some good-looking and fun and cute girls, I discovered that many lied about their looks. Now, after looking for threesomes, I found that men lied also.
I had previously only looked for single women on CL, but since I knew I would end up returning fully to my Mormon church, and would thus not be able to have a girlfriend, I didn’t want to search for a girlfriend. I just wanted to have some NSA sex with women, but many lesbian or bi women on CL wanted a relationship or were simply too masculine for me.
Thus, I decided that finding CL threesomes would be the best way to get a feminine girl, and there would be no long-term consequences, so I could still go fully back into the Mormon church after about a year. Yet, even with this CL threesome searching, I ended up only with men, and I realized that “attractive” is a word people feel too free attach to themselves. But who do they think they are attracting?
There were several men I ended up corresponding with from Craigslist, and a few I met up with, unfortunately. One described himself as Italian and referenced a girl who was his “f—k-buddy” and so I imagined a good-looking Italian guy with a hot girl who would join us for threesomes. But no – he was scrawny and white, and I definitely think he lied about the girl “f—k-buddy” – she never appeared.
Another guy I met, “Jay,” described himself as an Orthodox Jew with handsome or attractive dark features – I can’t remember exactly, but he definitely made himself out to be good-looking. My married friend with whom I had a two-year affair in grad school was Muslim, and I thought it would be interesting to balance that out with an Orthodox Jew.
I was also interested in Jay politically, as I figured we could have great conversations – I love discussing politics and religion and world events, but I was also intrigued with how he described himself as physically dark. I was still hoping a man could get me to orgasm, especially since eventually I want to get married and have kids and a normal life, and I really have always thought only someone who was handsome with dark skin could do it to me.
When I met Jay, I realized he had a vastly different opinion of what handsome meant than I did, and also “dark” for him was simply very light olive skin. Most importantly, he neglected to mention his completely bald head. Baldness is the biggest turnoff for me. I wanted to walk away when I saw him but he had already spotted me.
After we talked, I decided it would be good to be his friend because immediately we had a good conversation about religion and politics, and he bought me food. We hung out several times and he always fed me and we always had great conversations.
We had such great conversations that we never touched, and I was so glad. Unfortunately, after I texted him once about a Jewish magazine, he texted me back asking if I was attracted to him. I didn’t know how to answer, because truthfully, I was not physically attracted to him at all.
But I really liked our conversations, and I thought I was learning a lot from him. I can’t really lie to other people about what I feel about them, but I wanted to still talk to him about politics and religion, so I texted back “yes.” I meant yes, I was attracted to the fact that we could talk so openly about politics and religion. But of course he thought I meant physically, so he texted me a very crude text having to do with me going down on him. I was so disgusted.
I told Jay I don’t do that, but I thought we would still have fun anyway. The next few times we hung out in his apartment he would make out with me and finger me (I never understand why guys do that, I actually hate being fingered by guys, and find it only okay with girls). Then finally he would feed me and we could talk about politics.
Jay never had sex with me, which I thought strange since he talked about how he was such a dominant man, and at first I thought that if he was so dominant he could get me to orgasm, but then I realized it would not happen. He was too physically unattractive to me. Our great conversations were one thing, but having no physical chemistry between us would prevent any sort of orgasm, I realized.
But after meeting Robert Hannibal, I really didn’t want to see Jay anymore. We still correspond occasionally via email, but I don’t feel any interest even politically anymore. I regret that I ever let Jay do anything to me.
With Robert Hannibal, I can talk about anything and everything and I love the person I’m talking to. I realized I couldn’t really settle for less. So I haven’t really heard from Jay in awhile, and I don’t miss him. But how I missed Robert Hannibal every single day!