After my two times meeting Robert Hannibal at Onie’s club, and then my four subsequent dates with him, I now knew for sure that I wasn’t a lesbian.
All my life I have only found women attractive and could never see what women saw in men other than the ability to raise social status. Yet I always knew that the best fit for society to function was not two women together or two men together or even one man and many women or vice versa.
(For much of my life, in fact, I had even held out the hope that plural marriage would come back to the Mormon church somehow, and then I could have a sanctioned marriage but still get to have sex with women, with my sister-wives. But realistically, I knew that would never happen. Our church really believes in one man/one woman marriage).
I wondered when, how, I would find a man I would want to marry, and now I have finally found a man I would absolutely love to marry! But he’s already married.
But how I love him! And how he makes me forget about women! I always wanted a husband who could do that for me. There has to be another one – Robert Hannibal can’t be the only man who can do that for me – that would be too cruel!
Now I realize that I cannot call myself a lesbian because now I know what it’s like to like a guy. So no matter what, my view of homosexuality has changed. I had always believed in the possibility of change, that what I and others deal with are tendencies, and when we act on these tendencies, they grow, of course. But if we don’t feed those tendencies, they can shrink, and we can grow other tendencies. And now I have proof that it’s true.
So I’m telling you all this to say that I understand that everything I did that led me to Robert Hannibal – working at a club where I am paid to have sex with multiple men and where my only enjoyment is when I am with the other girls at the club – are all sins.
And even seeing Robert Hannibal in a swing setting is a sin, and just having sex with him outside of marriage is a sin, and the fact that he is married makes it even more of a sin, but I don’t regret any of it. I have never known what it’s like to really like a guy – I didn’t know it was possible for me to actually like a guy. And I definitely never thought it was possible for me to actually like having sex with a guy!
So if it took me doing all these sinful things in order for me to realize that I actually *can* like a guy, then I think Heavenly Father can understand. I’m not saying He would ever condone sin – He couldn’t, or He would cease to be G-d. But I think He knows what’s going to happen and what decisions we are going to make and that, yes, I would make these decisions but these decisions would enable me to realize that I am capable of really, really, really liking a man. Of loving a man.
Because I really, really, really like Robert Hannibal. I love him so much. I think of him all the time. And this gives me hope to actually marry a man I could like and that my sexual life with him could be fulfilling. I was always afraid that if I got married to a man I would always miss women and would never be able to really connect with my husband sexually.
But after being with Robert Hannibal, and actually liking being alone with him and actually preferring to be alone with him, I know it’s possible.
So that is my story. Robert Hannibal gives me hope that there is another guy out there who can fulfill me the same way – sexually, physically, emotionally, mentally, etc. There only needs to be one other guy. As long as the other guy isn’t married, that is, so I can marry him!
Then I can finally be a normal Mormon woman and have a normal, temple marriage.