On January 13, 2011, I wrote about how much I love Robert Hannibal and I talked about our different “dates.” I thought writing about him would help purge him from me, but I still thought and think about him constantly.
PR, the promoter at Onie’s club, had arranged for me to go to one of his customer’s homes the night of Friday, January 14, 2011, and this guy would pay me the same amount I normally get at Onie’s just to be with him (Onie didn’t know, of course; he doesn’t like us seeing the customers outside of his club).
As I was preparing to meet this customer, I just felt sick and wished I could be with Robert Hannibal. I started thinking how when I have sex with any other guy I need to get paid, or I need to have another woman there, or at least get dinner out of it, to make it worth it.
But with Robert Hannibal, I am happy just to be with him and I don’t need anything other than him! But I also know that he has a wife and kids, and he only sees his time with me as his way to have sexual adventure. I want to make sure I am always the one he thinks of when he wants sexual adventure.
Robert Hannibal had said on Wednesday the 12th after our sensual massage date that he might be able to go out Saturday the 15th. I hadn’t heard from him, so I sent him an email and poured out my thoughts and wishes.
I didn’t hold back – almost, anyway. I asked him to let me know about Saturday and reminded him, referring to my contract deadline, that “i have only 2 1/2 months left to swing or to be with girls or with guys or to even make money.”
Then I told him not to go back to Onie’s club because he doesn’t pay us enough and that the twins and I wanted to make our own money.
Lastly, I said: “i thought about the main things i want to do before i have to stop with it all – I don’t want to look back and i don’t want to have any regrets: 1) the bi night at the club where it’s an all-girl orgy with pretty girls; 2) ‘the one leg up’ party; 3) a ‘do you know george’ party; 4) tantra session; 5) attend all the different swing clubs in nyc.
“i know you don’t have an obligation or responsibility to me but i’ve latched on to you and i want to maximize my swinging experience only with you. usually i don’t like taking married men away from their families too much but since i’m on limited time i’m being more selfish.”
I couched my language in terms of the exciting sexual adventures I wanted to have before my contract was up, but really I was telling him I loved him. I didn’t care as much about doing all those things as I did about being with him.
Yes, it would be nice to experience a classy swing party, but I really only wanted to be with Robert Hannibal. Since he was married, I could only see him when he wanted to go to a swing club, so I just had to make sure I was the one he chose when he wanted to go to places like that.
I checked my email on my iPhone continually, aching for him to respond. My friends were planning on having a movie night Saturday night, but I would abandon those plans if Robert Hannibal was able to go out.
Finally, he emailed me at 3:15pm on Saturday, the 15th: “Hey [Polly]; unable to get away this weekend.”
Of course not – he has a wife and kids. I wish I didn’t love him but I can’t help it – I am just so in love with him. I want to spend every minute with him but I also don’t want to take him away from his family. I want an alternate universe where I could be with him all the time.
I didn’t email him back, and I didn’t hear from him again until he suddenly emailed me on Wednesday, January 26, 2011: “This last week has been hectic. Things are a little crazy at the moment. I don’t know if realistically I can facilitate everything on your ambitious wish list. Weekends are nigh impossible. If you find someone you’re comfortable with for something like one leg up, go for it. I’m happy to accompany you whenever I’m free, otherwise.
“Any interest in checking out bi night in Brooklyn tomorrow? The club opens at 9 pm.”
I was so happy to hear from him again! It had been so long! I love the way he words things – I memorized that email.
I emailed him in response that I knew my wish list was ambitious but it’s better “to aim high than to aim low.” I also told him “of course” I would want to go to the bi club, but I was worried there might not be as much of a crowd due to the snow. We had had a snowstorm, but the truth was I didn’t care about a crowd. All I cared about was seeing Robert Hannibal.
But I wanted to respect the fact that he was married. I had been somewhat open in the past in saying that I would go to Onie’s only if he was there, but once I knew for sure that he was married, I felt bad saying things like that. The only person who should be so intent on seeing him, the only person who should love him is his wife.
It is one thing for me to have sex with him – if he is going to have sex with someone who is not his wife, then it might as well be me. But if I told him that I only wanted to see him and I didn’t care what we did as long as we were together, I thought it would be too emotional and would be disrespectful to his wife.
I also worried that he might get scared that I was too attached to him, and he might try to find someone else. As much as I thought he enjoyed being with me sexually, I knew he was only taking me to these places so he could explore his own sexual fantasies, since his wife didn’t want to go to those places anymore. I wanted to keep being the woman he would choose to go to these places with.
I knew he didn’t love me, but I hoped he almost loved me. I wanted him to love his wife, but I also wanted to be the second choice.
We ultimately decided we would go to the bi club another night when it wasn’t snowing, so on Thursday, January 27, we went back to Trapeze, the location of our first “date.”
When we were in the locker room changing into our towels, Robert Hannibal told me about his brother, and how they are so different. Robert Hannibal is the responsible one, the one with a good job (he works in finance), a wife and kids. His brother is more free-spirited, I guess. This just makes me love Robert Hannibal even more!
After we changed, we kept going upstairs, then back around, looking for couples, but of course I wasn’t going to find anyone I was attracted to, not when Robert Hannibal was next to me.
Since it was a Thursday night and there was a lot of snow, there were not as many couples as the last time we went. I was so glad. That increased the chances that I could have Robert Hannibal to myself and wouldn’t have to share him with another woman or put up with another man myself.
Finally, Robert Hannibal and I ended up in the large downstairs room with mirrors on the walls and ceiling. He had us watch a couple where the man was rolling himself over the woman’s head and body. Robert Hannibal said he thought it was sexy, but I said I didn’t like that the man’s package was touching the woman’s hair; I thought it was disgusting.
Robert Hannibal just said, “It’s not your thing.” I love that he gets that about me. So many guys have not understood how disgusting I think their package is, how ugly and what a turn-off it is, how I don’t want to touch it and definitely not kiss it or suck it. The times I have done those things I have always felt so sick.
But Robert Hannibal gets it. At our first “date” at Trapeze, on Dec. 3, 2010, I told him I don’t go down on guys or give hand jobs, and he said, “I know.” He had observed me from the first night he met me at Onie’s club and knew that I didn’t like to touch men down there. He has never asked me to. I love him so much.
As we lay next to each other, me in his arms, I asked him if he would go back to Onie’s, and he said, probably not and that if he did, Kayla wouldn’t leave him alone and would want to keep him all to herself. I said, “I would do the same thing.” That’s the closest I could get to telling him how I feel about him. I feel too guilty to actually say the words that I love him.
Then we began kissing and having sex. He moved me in different positions, and ended up laying on top of my back and holding my right leg straight up against my side. I’ve always been very flexible and it doesn’t bother me to get moved around in different ways.
In my hostess dancing work in college, although I was much younger, I’m just as flexible now as I was back then. However, even if I wasn’t flexible, Robert Hannibal can move me anywhere and my body obeys willingly.
After we finished, Robert Hannibal told me we had “sexual chemistry.” Other men have told me this, but they were all wrong. They may have had sexual chemistry with me, but I had none with them.
But this time it was true. I have such sexual chemistry with Robert Hannibal. I love being with him so much. I still didn’t come or orgasm, but I don’t need to. I just love love love being with him.
I recalled the first night that we met, on Nov. 2, 2010, my first night of work at Onie’s club, and how we had sex twice, and both times were amazing. After the first time, he asked me if I was a Sagittarius or some other sign (I can’t remember), and when I said I was a Sagittarius, he said his best lovers were all either Sagittarius or whatever the other sign was.
That same night, my first night of work at Onie’s club and the first night I met Robert Hannibal, after the second time we had sex, another guy was going down on me, and he ended up with a condom in his mouth. Robert Hannibal realized that it was his condom, that it had come off during sex, and he looked at me intently and told me to let him know if anything happens.
I told him I wouldn’t get pregnant, so that wasn’t a problem, but I asked him if he was clean, because I was clean, and he answered that he was.
I have usually been careful, but there have been times in the past I didn’t use a condom, and I have had occasional pregnancy scares. The interesting thing is that I was never scared about the possibility of getting pregnant per se, but about getting pregnant by whoever the guy was.
I have never been able to imagine wanting to get pregnant unless by a dark-skinned guy who was smart, handsome, funny, and most importantly, a guy I genuinely liked and one who I enjoyed sex with, so that I could say the baby was conceived in love. I had never had sex with anyone who I wouldn’t mind getting pregnant by.
But my first night meeting Robert Hannibal, I knew that if by chance I got pregnant by him, I would want to keep the baby. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but he was the very first guy that I would want a baby with.
Now, here we were on our fifth date, and I thought about those events the first night we met. I thought how lucky his wife was to have children with him. To have him come home to her every night. To be able to share a bed with him. To be able to see him every single day. How I wanted that for myself with him!
But Robert Hannibal wasn’t content to bask as long in post-coital bliss as I was. He took me upstairs to find some couples, but I just wanted to go home now that I’d gotten to have sex with the best lover in the whole world.
He had us go in all the rooms and most of the couples were older. None were attractive to me. But I didn’t want to upset him and I wanted to still be the woman he would choose to take to these places, so I tried to go along.
In one room, there was an older couple, probably in their 50’s or 60’s, amidst a few other couples. The man started going down on me and the woman and Robert Hannibal started kissing. Seeing him kiss this woman, this older, unattractive woman, on the lips, was too much for me. I pulled away from the man and ran downstairs.
Robert Hannibal followed me and asked me if I was okay, and I told him I really don’t like being with people who are so much older. I couldn’t tell him how much it bothered me, and hurt me, to see him kiss another woman. I could handle it when he touched their bodies, but kissing them was altogether too intimate and I couldn’t handle it.
It wasn’t just that I was jealous seeing him kiss another woman – though that was the main part – it was that if he was going to be with a woman who wasn’t his wife, she should be attractive. I felt like it was okay for him to be with me, because I am attractive. But to be with older, unattractive women is insulting not only to me but also to his wife.
I realized as much as I was intrigued by the classy swinger’s parties like “One Leg Up” and “Do You Know George?”, I didn’t want to go to those with Robert Hannibal. I wanted to enjoy the spectacle of such parties and be with tons of women, but if I was with Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t enjoy myself at the parties because I would only want to be with him and I would get jealous of any other women he would be with.
I decided I should meet someone at Onie’s club who could take me to those parties. Men at Onie’s club were always asking to go out with me, and I just needed to find one who I thought could take me to these classy, upscale swing parties.
With Robert Hannibal, I would be content to just continue going to Trapeze or Carousel on weekday nights where there weren’t as many couples and where my odds were better at keeping him to myself.
We left Trapeze and he put me in a cab. He told me that we would need to develop a code so that if I ever felt uncomfortable with someone, I could let him know and he could get me out of the situation. I wish I could tell him that I only want to be with him, and no one else!
But I can’t. I don’t want to lose my privilege of going out with him, even if it’s only to swing clubs where he doesn’t even want to be alone with me. If that is the only way I can see him, so be it.
When I got in the cab, I kept thinking how his wife is the luckiest woman in the world, but as long as I am the second choice, I am the second luckiest woman.