Working at Classy Swing Party for Single Men – Feb. 26, 2011 – written March 5, 2011

Last Saturday, on February 26, I worked as a hostess at “Don” and “India’s” party for single men called [“Single Men Swing Party”]. Don and India told me that all the guys who attend their party go through a screening process – they have to submit pictures and write an essay and they also have to submit a picture of their sexual organ. They told me that India chooses the guys with large sexual organs.

As much as I love Robert Hannibal, I would never want to see a picture of his sexual organ, and I still have not touched it. I will never understand why anyone would want to look at the male sex organ, let alone touch it.

But Don and India were trying to tell me that although my job tonight would be to sleep with one or two guys and talk with them and make them feel comfortable, these guys were quality guys, not like the guys at my regular part-time job at “Onie’s” club, where any guy can get in the door (though I met Robert Hannibal at Onie’s, in addition to many other quality men – there is just a more egalitarian mix at Onie’s and no screening process for attendees).

Don and India don’t quite understand that I really do not like men and do not find men attractive, whether they are “quality” or not. Other than Robert Hannibal, of course.

Earlier that day, I had attended a baptism for a guy who was joining our church. I don’t know him very well, but he seems very nice. After the baptism, I talked with one of my good church friends, “Jenna,” and told her about Robert Hannibal. Jenna knows I’m not worthy to go to the temple or take the Sacrament, and she is someone I trust. She is very open-minded, and not judgmental at all, even moreso than Jane, who had me sign the contract. Jane, actually, can be a little judging, but Jenna has never judged anyone.

Jenna doesn’t know my sexual preference is actually for women (or was, until I met Robert Hannibal), but if I ever wanted to tell one of my female church friends about my same-sex attraction, since none of my female church friends here in New York know, Jenna is the one I would trust. She has a lot of gay male Mormon friends, and she does not judge them at all. Jenna is a truly decent good person.

I told Jenna I was so in love with Robert Hannibal, and that I even have a contract ending soon, which means I need to focus my life on the Gospel of Jesus Christ, but I told her I may want to extend the contract since I’m so in love with Robert Hannibal and want to maximize my time with him. I told her he takes me to swing clubs, and I told her that I would actually be working at a swing party later that night. She did not judge me at all.

When I arrived at the [Single Men Swing Party], “Tattoo” was there also, and so was “Bartender” – so interesting to see the three of us from Onie’s club here at this nice hotel suite – such a different environment from Onie’s venue.

I brought my friend “Persia” with me, because when I told her about working at the classy couples party that Don and India run, she was really intrigued and said she wanted to see it. I had told her before we arrived that she was not getting paid to interact with the guys like I was, so she should not feel obligated to do anything at all. We didn’t know if Don and India would need a coat check girl or not, so we figured Persia could do coat check, but they said they didn’t need coat check, so I told Persia she could just watch.

At the beginning, before the guys arrived, India had all of us women go around the room and say something nice about the person on our right – part of woman affirmation, I guess. Tattoo and I were the only women getting paid to be there to interact with the guys, but I secretly hoped I could slack off and Tattoo and the other women could do most of the work.

When the guys got there, I immediately started chatting them up. I was of two minds – if I could keep talking to the guys all night, I could put off having sex with any of them until the very end. However, if I had sex right away, then I could get it over with. The problem with that is that men usually want it again and want to keep touching you afterwards, and I don’t want to go above and beyond this kind of work. I will let them have sex with me and touch beforehand if that helps to get them hard, but afterwards, I am done and I don’t want to be a part of them at all.

Fortunately, one of the guys there seemed a little nervous but was very nice and intelligent. He was black, relatively tall, a professor at [University], and very smart. We sat on the couch and spent hours literally talking about philosophy. I let Tattoo take care of the other guys, and I sat with this guy and talked. Since for Don and India’s parties I am paid to help the guys feel comfortable, as it is the first time for a lot of them, my talking to this guy was perfectly legit.

His name was “Carl,” and he was very knowledgeable about many subjects, especially philosophy. I told him I’d taken a course on Derrida but did not learn anything about Derrida. I couldn’t understand what Derrida wrote, but I understood his tone, and his tone was very condescending.

I told Carl that Derrida could dish criticism out but couldn’t take it from others. He agreed but also helped explain Derrida in a way my own professor never had. We also talked about Lacan and Deleuze. We exchanged contact information and I wished I could spend the whole night just talking and not have to have sex with him. We were the only ones left in front room, as everyone else had gone into the bedrooms.

But this was a swing party for single men, for men who did not know Tattoo and I were paid to be there, and so eventually Carl asked if I wanted to go into the one of the bedrooms. I had to say yes, of course.

One of the guys, who told us he was married, was very attracted to my friend Persia. He was kissing her, and I asked her if she was okay. She said she was, but I was concerned.

But I didn’t have much time to be concerned because one of the other men who was there immediately started grabbing and touching me and put me on the bed. While he was having sex with me, Carl and others were watching.

Persia poked her head in the room and told me she was going to leave. I was underneath the guy so I couldn’t get up, but I told her to text me later. I really hoped she was okay.

This guy told me he would get me to orgasm, and I told him no guy has ever gotten me to orgasm, that only women have. So he tried everything and couldn’t, of course. Then Carl had sex with me and then the party was over and all the guys finally left. I told Carl I would email him.

Once Bartender and the coat check girl were gone as well, Don and India sat down and talked with Tattoo and me. They thanked us both for working for them tonight. They said my biggest strength is my conversational ability – that I can talk with anyone about anything, and that is so important for these [Single Men Swing Parties]. These guys need to be able to feel comfortable.

They also told Tattoo and me that we could make more money than we make at Onie’s by doing less work. They said guys will pay to watch girls make out with each other and go down on each other, and since Tattoo and I have already done that with each other quite a few times, we might as well make money off it.

They said another way to make money was to be paid to be the female part of a couple so that a guy can get in to couples-only swing parties and clubs. I thought of how I already have a situation like that, where I’m Robert Hannibal’s female, but since I really like Robert Hannibal, love him, even, I don’t need to get paid by him. Having sex with him is actually payment for me!

Don and India closed with telling us how beautiful and smart we are, and when Don walked me to the subway station, he told me how just looking at me he gets turned on. He hasn’t done anything sexual with either me or Tattoo, probably because he’s paying us and he thinks it would be in bad taste, though we’ve both done stuff with his wife, India.

As I was on the subway, I thought about Don and India’s marriage. They have a good marriage, but I thought that if the universe was different and I was somehow married to Robert Hannibal, would I want a swinger’s marriage?

It is so strange that I used to think I could only have an open marriage or a swinger’s marriage, mainly to give me the opportunity to have women, but now that I’ve met Robert Hannibal, my mind has changed. If, in an alternate universe, I was married to Robert Hannibal, I wouldn’t want an open marriage. I would just want him.

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