Examining my Lesbianism and My Love for Robert Hannibal – written March 7, 2011

In examining my love for Robert Hannibal, I’m also examining my lesbianism.  How can I be a lesbian if I love Robert Hannibal so much?

In an earlier entry, I declared that I wasn’t a lesbian because I was in love with a man.  But I don’t know if that’s really true.  Although I love Robert Hannibal, I still find women very attractive.  And I still don’t find men attractive.  Except for Robert Hannibal.

However, if I had met Robert Hannibal when I was younger, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t consider myself a lesbian.  I would rightly understand that I had met the most perfect man in the whole world, and even if I couldn’t be with him forever, how could I settle for any other guy, when no other guys measure up to Robert Hannibal?

But I didn’t meet him then.

Now, at a very young age, I understood the power that boys had to raise your social status, that it was a bragging matter to say how many boys had crushes on you.  But also at a very young age, I had legitimate crushes on teenage girls.  They were so beautiful to me.

In purely aesthetic terms, I didn’t, and don’t, see how anyone could prefer men to women.  The ideal female body, an hourglass, is pleasing to the eyes. The ideal male body, which is broad-shouldered and angular, can’t really compare.  Who wants to gaze at such a plain and boring body, let alone touch it?

And even so, most men don’t even have the ideal body, so they’re at an even further deficit.  I know it’s not men’s fault that the mold of the male body just doesn’t allow for beauty the way the female body does, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

But what really attracts me in others is the face.  I love faces.  Simply put: the average female face is always better-looking than the average male face.  In a heterosexual couple, the female is nearly always better-looking than the male.

(I say “nearly” because of the unusual circumstance of Brad Pitt. Pitt, who, although I’m not attracted to him, I can tell is very good-looking, despite him being a blonde man, and I just can’t think of men as manly if they’re blonde.  He has always been better-looking than his female partners – Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston – until Angelina Jolie.  Jolie is Pitt’s first partner to be better-looking than him.  She is the perfect partner for him because she is better-looking than everyone on this planet).

Suffice it to say most men don’t even come close to what isn’t even an attractive ideal in the first place, in body or face.  But it is one thing to be a neutral zero on a scale of attractiveness in comparison to women, who are on the positive side of the attractiveness scale.  It is quite another to be on the negative side of the scale, and, unfortunately, most men are on this side.

This is because men are disgusting.  It’s not their fault.  The hormones and chemicals that form the human male do not make for a person that smells or looks good.  Men give off disgusting odors all the time, especially when exercising and during and after sex, in ways that women do not.  And men grunt, especially during exercise and sex, in the most unappealing way.  Quite unattractive.

On the whole, I do not like artificial scents or perfumes, and I prefer no smell, or just a fresh, clean smell, but some perfume for women I like (though I never wear perfume myself).  But cologne, on the other hand, always smells horrible.  I have never smelled a cologne that didn’t make me want to escape for some fresh air.  Men just need to stay extra-clean and fresh to keep their natural awful odors at bay and not mask them with cologne – such camouflage attempts just make everything worse.

In terms of sexual organs, the male sex organ could not be more disgusting.  I hate the names for it, I hate the way it looks, I hate touching it (and haven’t for years, thank goodness), I hate having it inside me.  But I would rather have it inside me than touch it, which is why intercourse (vaginal or anal) is not a big deal for me at Onie’s club, but I refuse to give hand-jobs or blow-jobs.  Why would I want to touch something so ugly, especially with my mouth?

One of the ugliest images I have ever seen was from a porno magazine that some kid in my elementary school had brought to school.  It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman with red lipstick whose lovely mouth was up against some guy’s ugly, hairy, disgusting sex organ.  It was so repulsive.  I could not understand why women would do that, except for money.

Yes, even in elementary school I could understand prostitution.

I contrast this experience with the images of naked women I loved looking at in elementary school.  Our babysitter’s dad had “Playboy” magazines and I loved looking at the pictures in “Playboy” when I was at their house.

But it wasn’t just naked women I loved looking at.  Any pictures of beautiful women.  I loved reading “TV Guide,” and looked forward to the annual contest for the most beautiful women on TV.  Although I was only in elementary school, I read my parents’ “TV Guide,” “Time” magazine, and the metro newspaper faithfully.  Partly I loved reading the news, but I especially loved the entertainment sections.  And I really loved reading about actresses and seeing their pictures.

Although my appreciation for women and disgust for men began when I was young, I wasn’t a man-hater at such a young age.  I even told my two sisters that we were going to grow up and marry three brothers, and I chose the best-looking one for myself.  But their teenage sister was the best-looking of them all.

As I grew older, I started getting jealous of guys for the power they held over girls. I thought it unfair that guys could kiss girls, who were so beautiful, but I, as a girl, could not.  I really started resenting guys.  I almost hated them.  And I hated that I had to pretend to have crushes on guys so I could bond with my friends and seem normal.

Also, I wondered how men could walk around as if everything was okay, knowing how ugly they were underneath their clothes. When guys would want to show their ugly thing, I never understood why. Why display something so ugly and disgusting and remove all doubt how ugly and disgusting you are? Why not keep the ugliness hidden under the protection of their clothes? In general, I didn’t understand why boys/men didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with themselves knowing how utterly ugly and disgusting they were.

Then gradually I started having more compassion towards men, and feeling sorry for them for being so inferior to women in looks and complexity.  When I worked my hostess dancing job my last semester of college, I felt a strange mixture of deepened disgust at men but also heightened pity towards them.

I began to think that if a man ever got me to orgasm, and if I could have a real sexual dream about a man (not like my Marilyn Monroe threesome dream I had as a young teen where the man disappeared), I would then be attracted to men and wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  Such a dream would demonstrate real sexual attraction towards men.  But these scenarios have not happened.

As a Mormon who overall wants to live my religion, I wondered if I would just have to learn to tolerate a man for marriage (I used to only want an open marriage, which would allow me to have girlfriends, but that is frowned upon in my religion, so I keep vacillating between wanting a Mormon temple monogamous marriage and an open marriage).

I didn’t think it would be too hard.  Although I still think men are disgusting and not aesthetically pleasing, I do greatly appreciate men’s wit and humor, and I prefer typical “men’s music” to the music most of my girl friends like.  Most of all, conversation is extremely important to me, and I do really enjoy conversations with men and being around them.  That is pretty much how I’ve felt ever since.

Until I met Robert Hannibal.

When I first saw him, I thought he was so handsome and attractive.  I consider people attractive if I want to kiss them and hold them, and I’ve never felt that for a man before.  But the night I met Robert Hannibal, I felt attraction for him immediately and immensely.  And when we had sex, which, of course, was soon after I met him because it was at my job at Onie’s club, I was completely mesmerized.  I had finally had good sex with a man.  I finally made love to a man.

He hasn’t made me orgasm, and I haven’t yet had a sexual dream about him.  But I love him so much that I don’t need those things.

So what is it about Robert Hannibal that makes him so different from every other man I’ve met?

First, it’s his looks.  I always felt the first man I would be attracted to would have brown skin. I figured he would be Polynesian or South Asian or some mixture of those.  Some race that wouldn’t be likely to have facial hair or body hair, since I can’t stand hair anywhere except on the head, but also who wouldn’t be likely to go bald, since I don’t like baldness, and used to actually be afraid of it.

Robert Hannibal is from Jamaica, but I thought he was a Pacific Islander when I first saw him.  I felt an instant pull, and when we made eye contact, it was truly electric.

His skin is beautiful and brown and his body is smooth and basically hairless, though he has some curly chest hair (sometimes he shaves it), but his chest hair is not disgusting like most men’s.  Also, he doesn’t have hair around his sex organ, so it’s not disgusting for me to look at (though I haven’t touched it and won’t).

His face is really so handsome, and cute and endearing.  His nose is very nice (I always notice noses) and his face is kind. He has a face I love looking at.

He has a slight underbite and a nearly invisible goatee, but his facial hair is so faint it’s not disgusting, like most men’s, and sometimes he shaves it.  Ironically, although I don’t like baldness, Robert Hannibal’s hairline recedes a little, which makes him look like he has a high forehead.  Yet on him, it looks adorable and handsome. His hair is curly and soft but slightly coarse at the same time.

Robert Hannibal’s smile is so cute.  His lips are nicely shaped, though not particularly full or voluptuous, but form such a cute smile.  It’s not a broad smile or a smile that one may typically think of as an amazing smile, but it’s so cute on him with his cute underbite.  Whether his teeth show or not, his smile is so cute.  He is just so cute in every way. He’s older than me (not sure by how much), but his skin is so smooth, it’s flawless.

I always thought I would like a man with strong, black eyebrows and dark, beautiful eyes, but Robert Hannibal has faint eyebrows and his eyes wouldn’t stand out for their beauty.  But because his eyes are part of him, they are so beautiful.

He’s not really tall, maybe 5’9″ or 5’10”, and again, I always thought the first man I liked would be tall.  His shoulders are rounded and his upper arms are short, like mine.  He has a minor belly, but it’s firm. Since I mostly see Robert Hannibal at Onie’s, where he, like all the guys, wears a towel around his waist, he really looks like an Islander.

Everything about him is beautiful, even his ugly sex organ, because it’s part of him.  I remember the second night I saw him at Onie’s, I bitterly watched “Kayla,” the older white woman in her 40’s, having sex with him.  It hurt me too much to look at Robert Hannibal’s face or his body, but I watched his feet.  They’re beautiful.  When he orgasmed, I remember his feet shaking, because sometimes he has full-body orgasms.  When he full-body orgasms, it feels amazing to have him inside me.  I am so in love with him.

We have undeniable sexual chemistry, but we also have connecting chemistry.  We can talk about anything.  He is so intelligent.  And he’s not pretentious at all.  He went to [Ivy League school] and now works in finance so I know he has money, but he doesn’t flaunt it.  He doesn’t treat anyone rudely.  He always makes sure to tip “Bartender” (though I’m sure it’s also because he finds her attractive – she’s Japanese and she’s so sweet and she always wears very sexy outfits).

Conversation with him flows so easily, and his words are elegant.  He uses graceful language, not in a condescending manner, but just in a natural manner.  He’s so intelligent he can’t hide it, as his beautiful words fall eloquently from his beautiful mouth.

And he’s such a gentleman.  The second night I met him (third time having sex with him) and he walked me to the subway after I got off work at Onie’s, he made sure to walk on the outside, closest to the street.  He told me his mother always taught him to do that to be protective of the woman at his side.  Most times when I’m walking with him, he always walks around me to be on the street side, and he’ll mention again his mother teaching him that.  I love that he has such respect for his mother and learned so much from her.  I love that he’s a gentleman.

When we’ve taken the subway together to get to the “bi club” in Brooklyn, he’s always very respectful of others as well as of me.  It’s such a contrast to other men I see on the subway who are not gentlemen at all.

This afternoon, in fact, the subway was so crowded, it was standing-room-only, and I had to hold on to the railing above my head.  I saw so many women standing and I thought if there were any able-bodied men sitting down, they should offer their seats so some of the women could sit.  I looked down the subway car and saw [my bearded condescending professor] sitting down (he is the one who had come to mind after I prayed to the Lord and promised to be chaste and would marry whoever He wanted me to marry).

[My condescending professor] looked up at me right as I saw him and I shook my head at him.  He’s not a gentleman.  Robert Hannibal is.  Robert Hannibal would have given up his seat.

Not only is Robert Hannibal a gentleman, but he has an easy-going, sweet demeanor while at the same time being a strong, manly man.  I don’t know how he can be both, but he is.  He is most definitely a MAN.  But he’s so kind too.

The ideal man for me, in fact, is incredibly strong (physically, mentally, emotionally), with a strong mind and strong character.  But kindness must be integral to him as well.  Robert Hannibal has both strength and kindness (I still feel like in some ways I am stronger than he is, though – I doubt I’ll ever find a man stronger than I am).

And I love his humor.  He’s not a clown but he has a nice, easy-going humor.  He’s so intelligent and we get along so well and so easily that we laugh effortlessly with each other.  We really have such good conversations with each other.  We talk religion, politics, sexuality.  Those topics are my favorite topics of conversation, but many people steer away from such charged subjects.

Yet Robert Hannibal and I thrive on such conversations.  I always have such enjoyable conversations with him.  I love talking with him.  His voice itself is just the right timbre.  Most men’s voices are annoying.  They speak either too high or too low or have annoying cadences or laughs.  But not Robert Hannibal.  His voice is just the right tone, the right color.  I love listening to him.

I love hugging him.  I love sitting on his lap.  I love kissing him.  I love making love to him and having him make love to me.  I love being with him.  And he’s a man.  And I would rather be with him than with anyone else in the entire world. Even a woman.

So am I lesbian if I feel this strongly and deeply for a man?  In my first grad school program, I tried to write my thesis on women as beauty-seekers, which is why they end up with other women.  It’s not about being lesbian, it’s about wanting beauty.  And women are beautiful.

I wondered if all women are like this, but most other women have been socialized to find men attractive, because men can provide for us.  This wasn’t how I always felt – growing up, I felt alone and different.  But as I aged and especially after college and in my first grad program, I really began to wonder if all women were like me, but somehow I had missed out on the socialization to find men attractive.  That’s when I wrote “Jack, Jane and Jill.”

Maybe if I hadn’t been so concerned with beauty I could have found boys attractive?  Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to compare boys and girls?  Women are the fairer sex, so is it even right to compare?

Perhaps I’m trying too hard to find a reason for my life-long lesbianism and for my current love for a man. I want a nice, pat answer, but maybe there isn’t one.

At any rate, Robert Hannibal is the first man I find attractive, and so far, the only.  I guess the possibility was always there within me, and Robert Hannibal is the one who brought it out of me.

Part of me wants to tell him, but part of me is afraid to.  That’s a lot of responsibility to give to someone.  Especially someone who’s already married.

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