Temporary Intimacy with Robert Hannibal – written March 10, 2011

On Tuesday, March 8th, I worked at “Onie’s” club and was hoping Robert Hannibal would be there.  It would be my last chance to see him before my trip, as I was leaving the next day with my class!

The first 20 minutes I was on the large bed talking to “Mansion,” who’s around 30 years old, and I think from some Eastern European country.  He’s been going to Onie’s club pretty regularly and he always tells me he’s going to take me to a fancy swing party at some rich Russian guy’s mansion.

That’s still my goal while working at Onie’s, besides just making extra money – to find a guy who will take me to a “One Leg Up” party and any other nice fancy swing party.  But Mansion just kept talking without giving me details.

Finally, in my worry that Robert Hannibal would not show and my annoyance with Mansion for talking so much about the fancy swing party but not giving me concrete information or formally inviting me, I got off the bed and went to the bar area to get some water to drink.  I talked to “Bartender” for awhile and tried to practice my Japanese with her, but I am very rusty.

Then I returned to the main large room and sat on the large bed.  Mansion had moved over to one of the smaller beds against the far wall, and “Tatoo” was on the small bed next to the large bed I was sitting on.  She and I began talking about the guys and she made me laugh so much.  I like her humor because she says exactly what she thinks and says it in such a brash manner.

I felt someone sit down next to me on the bed, but thought it was Mansion, so I didn’t acknowledge him, and kept talking and laughing with Tattoo.  Suddenly the person next to me said, “I’ve never seen you laugh this much here.”  It was Robert Hannibal!  I turned to him and hugged him tightly and said, “I didn’t know it was you!  I thought it was [Mansion]!  I’m so glad to see you!”

I kept my arms around him and asked if he’d gotten my last two emails, and he said no.  He had gotten a new phone and couldn’t update his other email to that phone in case his wife saw it.  Everytime  I think perhaps his wife knows he’s still swinging, I get a reminder that she doesn’t know.  Even though I’ve really always known that Robert Hannibal and I are in fact stepping out behind his wife’s back.

I told Robert Hannibal I was so happy to see him that night because the next day I would leave for Israel with my class and wouldn’t be back until the evening of March 21st . He told me he and his wife and kids were leaving for two weeks on March 22nd to vacation in the Dominican Republic.  I asked if I could see him on the 21st when I got back and before he left, but he said he didn’t know.

We sat on the bed and continued talking, and he brought up the idea of having another threesome with me.  He said if I had liked the woman who gave us the sensual massage we could go back there, but since I didn’t, we could find someone else.  I was flattered that, in a threesome at least, he considered me the other half of the couple!  I know we’re not a real couple, but if this is the only way he’ll consider us as a couple, I won’t complain!

I suggested one of the twins, either “Cinnamon” or “Desire,” since I love both of them, but he said he wanted someone different. He knows I like Indian girls and brown-skinned girls, but he said he wanted someone aggressive, like “Tatoo,” but not as aggressive as she is.  He said she was too aggressive for him.

I said we should find someone like Angelina Jolie, because she’s so beautiful but she would definitely be aggressive in just the right way.  He said we could put an ad out on Craigslist for an “Angelina Jolie” type.  I was so excited to think of us as a couple, albeit a false CL couple!

But of course I didn’t actually want another threesome with him because I like being alone with him. As alone as I can, given that we are only together at Onie’s or at other swing clubs.  But for him to think of us a couple, of any sort, was still an honor for me.

Then he asked if I wanted to play, and of course I said yes.  I was lying down on the bed and he was above, and he would lean down to kiss me and I would rise up to meet him.  At one point he hesitated a little and furrowed his brow.  He didn’t kiss me, but said, “the more time I spend with you, the more intimate I feel towards you.”

I rose up and said, “You know I would never want to ruin your marriage, right?” and I kissed him and he met my kiss and said, ‘Yes.” Then I laid back down but rose up again to say, “and you know my contract ends soon.” And we kissed again and I said, “So it’s just temporary intimacy.  So it’s okay.”

Then we kissed some more and began making love.  We had the large bed all to ourselves.  When I’m making love to him at Onie’s, I forget that there are other people in the room.  I feel like it’s just Robert Hannibal and me, alone.

After he orgasmed, he lay down next to me, leaning on his elbow and resting his head on his hand, and faced me, smiling, and said, “You, you, you!”  I really love him so much.

We continued kissing and talking about his music.  Robert Hannibal composes trip-hop music, and I wasn’t familiar with that genre of music. He told me he would try to play some for me on his new phone.  We kept talking and kissing but then he said he had to leave.  I tried to hold onto him but he said he needed to go.

We’d spent nearly two hours together from 7pm on and it was almost 9pm at that point.  As we left the bed, holding hands, “J-Star,” one of the other girls who works at Onie’s and is good friends with Onie, smiled and said, “There’s the couple” to me.  She said that because with all the other guys, I don’t have any emotion and I just want to be done as soon as possible.  Robert Hannibal is the only guy who brings any emotion out of me, the only guy I want to spend time with, the only guy where it appears that I am actually enjoying sex, because with him, I am.

Robert Hannibal and I kept holding hands and kissing and as we left the bar area and went into the lobby/changing area, we crossed paths with a very handsome young man with thick black eyebrows.  I noticed him even though I was with Robert Hannibal because he’s probably the best-looking man I’ve ever seen.  I knew all the other girls working at Onie’s would want him.  But I was sure I would get him.

As we entered the lobby/changing area, I put my arms around Robert Hannibal’s neck and he hugged me and held me and we kept kissing.  Onie said, laughing, to Robert Hannibal, “You can’t take her home!” Oh, if only he could.  If only there wasn’t a wife already at home.  I would go home with him so gladly.

Robert Hannibal got out his new phone and gave me his new number, and I made sure his new phone had my number.  I asked him to play me one of his songs before he left and he tried to log onto a music website.  I saw as he entered his user information that his last name was “Tanner” – I mentally made note of this.  I had never asked him his last name, although he knew my full name from my email address. I wanted to give him his privacy and also to reassure him that he could trust me.  That I would never try to follow him or notify his wife.  But I was so happy to know his last name.

He didn’t realize I had seen his last name.  He was just trying to get onto the site, and wasn’t able to.  “It’s okay,” I said.  “Next time.”  As much as I wanted to hear his music, I was elated that I knew his last name.  Such a personal piece of information.  I felt closer to him, even if only deceptively.

We hugged and kissed some more and it was so hard to say good-bye to him.  I am so glad I got to see him before leaving on my trip.  I don’t know what I would have done otherwise.

When he left, I looked at the clock.  It was exactly 9pm.  I had two more hours to go.  But I was so glad I had spent the past two hours with Robert Hannibal!  If only every night working at Onie’s could be like that!

Examining my Lesbianism and My Love for Robert Hannibal – written March 7, 2011

In examining my love for Robert Hannibal, I’m also examining my lesbianism.  How can I be a lesbian if I love Robert Hannibal so much?

In an earlier entry, I declared that I wasn’t a lesbian because I was in love with a man.  But I don’t know if that’s really true.  Although I love Robert Hannibal, I still find women very attractive.  And I still don’t find men attractive.  Except for Robert Hannibal.

However, if I had met Robert Hannibal when I was younger, as a teenager, I probably wouldn’t consider myself a lesbian.  I would rightly understand that I had met the most perfect man in the whole world, and even if I couldn’t be with him forever, how could I settle for any other guy, when no other guys measure up to Robert Hannibal?

But I didn’t meet him then.

Now, at a very young age, I understood the power that boys had to raise your social status, that it was a bragging matter to say how many boys had crushes on you.  But also at a very young age, I had legitimate crushes on teenage girls.  They were so beautiful to me.

In purely aesthetic terms, I didn’t, and don’t, see how anyone could prefer men to women.  The ideal female body, an hourglass, is pleasing to the eyes. The ideal male body, which is broad-shouldered and angular, can’t really compare.  Who wants to gaze at such a plain and boring body, let alone touch it?

And even so, most men don’t even have the ideal body, so they’re at an even further deficit.  I know it’s not men’s fault that the mold of the male body just doesn’t allow for beauty the way the female body does, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

But what really attracts me in others is the face.  I love faces.  Simply put: the average female face is always better-looking than the average male face.  In a heterosexual couple, the female is nearly always better-looking than the male.

(I say “nearly” because of the unusual circumstance of Brad Pitt. Pitt, who, although I’m not attracted to him, I can tell is very good-looking, despite him being a blonde man, and I just can’t think of men as manly if they’re blonde.  He has always been better-looking than his female partners – Juliette Lewis, Gwyneth Paltrow, Jennifer Aniston – until Angelina Jolie.  Jolie is Pitt’s first partner to be better-looking than him.  She is the perfect partner for him because she is better-looking than everyone on this planet).

Suffice it to say most men don’t even come close to what isn’t even an attractive ideal in the first place, in body or face.  But it is one thing to be a neutral zero on a scale of attractiveness in comparison to women, who are on the positive side of the attractiveness scale.  It is quite another to be on the negative side of the scale, and, unfortunately, most men are on this side.

This is because men are disgusting.  It’s not their fault.  The hormones and chemicals that form the human male do not make for a person that smells or looks good.  Men give off disgusting odors all the time, especially when exercising and during and after sex, in ways that women do not.  And men grunt, especially during exercise and sex, in the most unappealing way.  Quite unattractive.

On the whole, I do not like artificial scents or perfumes, and I prefer no smell, or just a fresh, clean smell, but some perfume for women I like (though I never wear perfume myself).  But cologne, on the other hand, always smells horrible.  I have never smelled a cologne that didn’t make me want to escape for some fresh air.  Men just need to stay extra-clean and fresh to keep their natural awful odors at bay and not mask them with cologne – such camouflage attempts just make everything worse.

In terms of sexual organs, the male sex organ could not be more disgusting.  I hate the names for it, I hate the way it looks, I hate touching it (and haven’t for years, thank goodness), I hate having it inside me.  But I would rather have it inside me than touch it, which is why intercourse (vaginal or anal) is not a big deal for me at Onie’s club, but I refuse to give hand-jobs or blow-jobs.  Why would I want to touch something so ugly, especially with my mouth?

One of the ugliest images I have ever seen was from a porno magazine that some kid in my elementary school had brought to school.  It was a picture of a beautiful blonde woman with red lipstick whose lovely mouth was up against some guy’s ugly, hairy, disgusting sex organ.  It was so repulsive.  I could not understand why women would do that, except for money.

Yes, even in elementary school I could understand prostitution.

I contrast this experience with the images of naked women I loved looking at in elementary school.  Our babysitter’s dad had “Playboy” magazines and I loved looking at the pictures in “Playboy” when I was at their house.

But it wasn’t just naked women I loved looking at.  Any pictures of beautiful women.  I loved reading “TV Guide,” and looked forward to the annual contest for the most beautiful women on TV.  Although I was only in elementary school, I read my parents’ “TV Guide,” “Time” magazine, and the metro newspaper faithfully.  Partly I loved reading the news, but I especially loved the entertainment sections.  And I really loved reading about actresses and seeing their pictures.

Although my appreciation for women and disgust for men began when I was young, I wasn’t a man-hater at such a young age.  I even told my two sisters that we were going to grow up and marry three brothers, and I chose the best-looking one for myself.  But their teenage sister was the best-looking of them all.

As I grew older, I started getting jealous of guys for the power they held over girls. I thought it unfair that guys could kiss girls, who were so beautiful, but I, as a girl, could not.  I really started resenting guys.  I almost hated them.  And I hated that I had to pretend to have crushes on guys so I could bond with my friends and seem normal.

Also, I wondered how men could walk around as if everything was okay, knowing how ugly they were underneath their clothes. When guys would want to show their ugly thing, I never understood why. Why display something so ugly and disgusting and remove all doubt how ugly and disgusting you are? Why not keep the ugliness hidden under the protection of their clothes? In general, I didn’t understand why boys/men didn’t feel absolutely disgusted with themselves knowing how utterly ugly and disgusting they were.

Then gradually I started having more compassion towards men, and feeling sorry for them for being so inferior to women in looks and complexity.  When I worked my hostess dancing job my last semester of college, I felt a strange mixture of deepened disgust at men but also heightened pity towards them.

I began to think that if a man ever got me to orgasm, and if I could have a real sexual dream about a man (not like my Marilyn Monroe threesome dream I had as a young teen where the man disappeared), I would then be attracted to men and wouldn’t be a lesbian anymore.  Such a dream would demonstrate real sexual attraction towards men.  But these scenarios have not happened.

As a Mormon who overall wants to live my religion, I wondered if I would just have to learn to tolerate a man for marriage (I used to only want an open marriage, which would allow me to have girlfriends, but that is frowned upon in my religion, so I keep vacillating between wanting a Mormon temple monogamous marriage and an open marriage).

I didn’t think it would be too hard.  Although I still think men are disgusting and not aesthetically pleasing, I do greatly appreciate men’s wit and humor, and I prefer typical “men’s music” to the music most of my girl friends like.  Most of all, conversation is extremely important to me, and I do really enjoy conversations with men and being around them.  That is pretty much how I’ve felt ever since.

Until I met Robert Hannibal.

When I first saw him, I thought he was so handsome and attractive.  I consider people attractive if I want to kiss them and hold them, and I’ve never felt that for a man before.  But the night I met Robert Hannibal, I felt attraction for him immediately and immensely.  And when we had sex, which, of course, was soon after I met him because it was at my job at Onie’s club, I was completely mesmerized.  I had finally had good sex with a man.  I finally made love to a man.

He hasn’t made me orgasm, and I haven’t yet had a sexual dream about him.  But I love him so much that I don’t need those things.

So what is it about Robert Hannibal that makes him so different from every other man I’ve met?

First, it’s his looks.  I always felt the first man I would be attracted to would have brown skin. I figured he would be Polynesian or South Asian or some mixture of those.  Some race that wouldn’t be likely to have facial hair or body hair, since I can’t stand hair anywhere except on the head, but also who wouldn’t be likely to go bald, since I don’t like baldness, and used to actually be afraid of it.

Robert Hannibal is from Jamaica, but I thought he was a Pacific Islander when I first saw him.  I felt an instant pull, and when we made eye contact, it was truly electric.

His skin is beautiful and brown and his body is smooth and basically hairless, though he has some curly chest hair (sometimes he shaves it), but his chest hair is not disgusting like most men’s.  Also, he doesn’t have hair around his sex organ, so it’s not disgusting for me to look at (though I haven’t touched it and won’t).

His face is really so handsome, and cute and endearing.  His nose is very nice (I always notice noses) and his face is kind. He has a face I love looking at.

He has a slight underbite and a nearly invisible goatee, but his facial hair is so faint it’s not disgusting, like most men’s, and sometimes he shaves it.  Ironically, although I don’t like baldness, Robert Hannibal’s hairline recedes a little, which makes him look like he has a high forehead.  Yet on him, it looks adorable and handsome. His hair is curly and soft but slightly coarse at the same time.

Robert Hannibal’s smile is so cute.  His lips are nicely shaped, though not particularly full or voluptuous, but form such a cute smile.  It’s not a broad smile or a smile that one may typically think of as an amazing smile, but it’s so cute on him with his cute underbite.  Whether his teeth show or not, his smile is so cute.  He is just so cute in every way. He’s older than me (not sure by how much), but his skin is so smooth, it’s flawless.

I always thought I would like a man with strong, black eyebrows and dark, beautiful eyes, but Robert Hannibal has faint eyebrows and his eyes wouldn’t stand out for their beauty.  But because his eyes are part of him, they are so beautiful.

He’s not really tall, maybe 5’9″ or 5’10”, and again, I always thought the first man I liked would be tall.  His shoulders are rounded and his upper arms are short, like mine.  He has a minor belly, but it’s firm. Since I mostly see Robert Hannibal at Onie’s, where he, like all the guys, wears a towel around his waist, he really looks like an Islander.

Everything about him is beautiful, even his ugly sex organ, because it’s part of him.  I remember the second night I saw him at Onie’s, I bitterly watched “Kayla,” the older white woman in her 40’s, having sex with him.  It hurt me too much to look at Robert Hannibal’s face or his body, but I watched his feet.  They’re beautiful.  When he orgasmed, I remember his feet shaking, because sometimes he has full-body orgasms.  When he full-body orgasms, it feels amazing to have him inside me.  I am so in love with him.

We have undeniable sexual chemistry, but we also have connecting chemistry.  We can talk about anything.  He is so intelligent.  And he’s not pretentious at all.  He went to [Ivy League school] and now works in finance so I know he has money, but he doesn’t flaunt it.  He doesn’t treat anyone rudely.  He always makes sure to tip “Bartender” (though I’m sure it’s also because he finds her attractive – she’s Japanese and she’s so sweet and she always wears very sexy outfits).

Conversation with him flows so easily, and his words are elegant.  He uses graceful language, not in a condescending manner, but just in a natural manner.  He’s so intelligent he can’t hide it, as his beautiful words fall eloquently from his beautiful mouth.

And he’s such a gentleman.  The second night I met him (third time having sex with him) and he walked me to the subway after I got off work at Onie’s, he made sure to walk on the outside, closest to the street.  He told me his mother always taught him to do that to be protective of the woman at his side.  Most times when I’m walking with him, he always walks around me to be on the street side, and he’ll mention again his mother teaching him that.  I love that he has such respect for his mother and learned so much from her.  I love that he’s a gentleman.

When we’ve taken the subway together to get to the “bi club” in Brooklyn, he’s always very respectful of others as well as of me.  It’s such a contrast to other men I see on the subway who are not gentlemen at all.

This afternoon, in fact, the subway was so crowded, it was standing-room-only, and I had to hold on to the railing above my head.  I saw so many women standing and I thought if there were any able-bodied men sitting down, they should offer their seats so some of the women could sit.  I looked down the subway car and saw [my bearded condescending professor] sitting down (he is the one who had come to mind after I prayed to the Lord and promised to be chaste and would marry whoever He wanted me to marry).

[My condescending professor] looked up at me right as I saw him and I shook my head at him.  He’s not a gentleman.  Robert Hannibal is.  Robert Hannibal would have given up his seat.

Not only is Robert Hannibal a gentleman, but he has an easy-going, sweet demeanor while at the same time being a strong, manly man.  I don’t know how he can be both, but he is.  He is most definitely a MAN.  But he’s so kind too.

The ideal man for me, in fact, is incredibly strong (physically, mentally, emotionally), with a strong mind and strong character.  But kindness must be integral to him as well.  Robert Hannibal has both strength and kindness (I still feel like in some ways I am stronger than he is, though – I doubt I’ll ever find a man stronger than I am).

And I love his humor.  He’s not a clown but he has a nice, easy-going humor.  He’s so intelligent and we get along so well and so easily that we laugh effortlessly with each other.  We really have such good conversations with each other.  We talk religion, politics, sexuality.  Those topics are my favorite topics of conversation, but many people steer away from such charged subjects.

Yet Robert Hannibal and I thrive on such conversations.  I always have such enjoyable conversations with him.  I love talking with him.  His voice itself is just the right timbre.  Most men’s voices are annoying.  They speak either too high or too low or have annoying cadences or laughs.  But not Robert Hannibal.  His voice is just the right tone, the right color.  I love listening to him.

I love hugging him.  I love sitting on his lap.  I love kissing him.  I love making love to him and having him make love to me.  I love being with him.  And he’s a man.  And I would rather be with him than with anyone else in the entire world. Even a woman.

So am I lesbian if I feel this strongly and deeply for a man?  In my first grad school program, I tried to write my thesis on women as beauty-seekers, which is why they end up with other women.  It’s not about being lesbian, it’s about wanting beauty.  And women are beautiful.

I wondered if all women are like this, but most other women have been socialized to find men attractive, because men can provide for us.  This wasn’t how I always felt – growing up, I felt alone and different.  But as I aged and especially after college and in my first grad program, I really began to wonder if all women were like me, but somehow I had missed out on the socialization to find men attractive.  That’s when I wrote “Jack, Jane and Jill.”

Maybe if I hadn’t been so concerned with beauty I could have found boys attractive?  Maybe if I hadn’t wanted to compare boys and girls?  Women are the fairer sex, so is it even right to compare?

Perhaps I’m trying too hard to find a reason for my life-long lesbianism and for my current love for a man. I want a nice, pat answer, but maybe there isn’t one.

At any rate, Robert Hannibal is the first man I find attractive, and so far, the only.  I guess the possibility was always there within me, and Robert Hannibal is the one who brought it out of me.

Part of me wants to tell him, but part of me is afraid to.  That’s a lot of responsibility to give to someone.  Especially someone who’s already married.

Wanting to see Robert Hannibal Before My Trip – written March 7, 2011

I am getting so desperate. I haven’t seen Robert Hannibal since the time we went to the “bi club” on Feb. 17th, and we haven’t communicated since then.  I emailed him on March 2nd to ask if he ever heard back from the tantra place, and he didn’t respond. Then I emailed him earlier today to ask if there was any way I could see him before I leave for Israel – he still hasn’t responded!  And I leave on Wednesday!

Tomorrow I’ll work my regular Tuesday night shift at Onie’s club, and I hope Robert Hannibal is there.  I really don’t know what I will do if I don’t see him before I leave for my trip.  If I don’t see him before my trip I will be anxious the entire time!  I love him so much!

Robert Hannibal has changed my attitudes – written March 6, 2011 (email to my younger sister)

It’s getting close for me to leave on my class trip to Israel and I am hoping to see Robert Hannibal at least one time before I leave!  I realize he has really changed my attitude about sex, about love, about men.

I try to explain to my younger sister how my viewpoint has changed, and I try to give her advice on her own struggles.   Just like me, she doesn’t live a conventional Mormon life, but also like me, she believes the LDS Church is true.  So we both struggle, just in different ways.

This is from the email I sent to my sister tonight (I removed the parts that are personal for her and only included the section that refers to Robert Hannibal, but of course, it’s a long section!):

with robert hannibal, i have realized something similar.  i used to only be able to picture marriage if it was an open marriage, meaning i could date girls on the side and we could have orgies and threesomes.  my relationship with “dan” in the philippines was only that, and i was willing to marry him if i had to because i’d be able to have a marriage in the only way i could possibly picture it.  plus, i thought his kids were gorgeous and so smart and so adorable.  but i could only picture a marriage with me having girls and orgies and threesomes.  

but meeting robert hannibal has changed that.  i feel so much more fulfilled when we are alone together. i love sex with him alone more than i like having another girl or other people alone.  i realize that if i had a choice, i would choose to only have sex with robert hannibal for the rest of my life. i would give up women. 

he makes me forget about everyone except for him.  now i know this is possible and now i don’t believe in an open marriage anymore. i don’t even believe in swinging anymore, though i used to think it was essential for marriages, so that partners could have variety but not be “cheating.”  but now i truly believe monogamy is the most fulfilling marriage.  because of robert hannibal.  he is so amazing.

i’ve never had an orgasm with him, but i enjoy sex so much with him.  if we were married to each other, there would be plenty of time for us to work on that together, but as it is, i really don’t feel i need it.  i just love being with him so much.  this is such new thought for me.  never would i have thought this before. 

i really really love him so much. even if we don’t go to all the swinging parties, which is what i originally wanted with him, i even more just want to be alone with him.  i get jealous of other girls.  that has never happened to me with a guy before! this is so strange for me to be in love with a man, really and truly!

but of course he’s married with two kids and i want him to have a monogamous relationship with his wife – once i’m done. 

i realize that when couples are into swinging and it makes them free, it might make them more free than a couple that is married and doesn’t swing but it doesn’t make them more free than a couple that is covenant in the temple – i realize that temple sealing and covenant between the couple make the crucial difference.  with that covenant, the marriage is at a higher level.  i realize that is what i want.  if i can just find someone that i can love as much as i love robert hannibal. 

so [sister], i am so old and it has taken me this long to come to the realization, and i’m not even ready to fully make the commitment yet to prepare to go to the temple because i still want to be with robert hannibal more and i still want to go to more swinging parties, and i still want to make more money having sex. 

even though i know the swinging parties and the prostitution are not fulfilling, and that even sex with robert hannibal, as wonderful as it is, is not the ultimate fulfillment because it is not sealed in marriage and sealed in the temple, i want to do more of it just to really get it out of my system.  i want a few more months. 

so with you, make the goal of where you want to be.  and try for it.  i hope it doesn’t take you as long as it took me to realize where you want to be. 

I talk about LDS Temple Marriage because I really believe that will provide the most fulfilling marriage and the sex life I think will be even more spiritual and rewarding than what I currently have with Robert Hannibal.

Trying to like men in the past – written March 5, 2011 (with Feb. 20, 2011 email to my younger sister)

In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to “try to like” a guy.

In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I’m a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to.  My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was “trying to like,” before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy!

This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011:

no, i have never actually *liked* a guy before. when i was in junior high and high school, i would tell my friends i would like guys, so that i could seem normal and bond with my friends because girls always bond when they talk about guys they have crushes on. but i always chose guys who were older and who had girlfriends so that my friends couldn’t try to set me up with them.

as i got older and back into the church, i deliberately did try to like guys, and i was determined to have dark kids so i looked at dark guys. the hispanic guy was cute, but i wasn’t attracted to him. i talked it up as more than it was because i really wanted to find him attractive. you know how you can think someone is good-looking but you’re not attracted? that’s how it was with him.

but i was so determined to like a good mormon guy because that was right after i decided to go back to church and be celibate and get married to a mormon guy and i was reaching for someone i could be attracted to. i wanted to be excited about someone who was a guy.

plus, i was a little upset because when i had prayed to the Lord and promised to be celibate until i got married my old hairy bearded mean professor came into my head and i just couldn’t believe the Lord would want me to marry someone like that so i was very determined to find someone who looked how i wanted my future husband to look, with dark skin and no facial hair! and i think the mean prof came into my head to test me to see if i would really marry who the Lord told me to marry.

and then there was my friend [mormon friend], from [city], who is half black and half-white, and a very good mormon, and very smart, a former [political officer] to [country], etc. and i convinced myself that he was who i was supposed to marry and i told all my friends here that i was trying to like him (everyone thinks it’s so weird when i say that but that’s what i was trying to do!) and i went to go see him in [different city] when he was giving a talk.

but on my trip to [different city] i realized i was forcing something that wasn’t there – that he wasn’t interested in me as more than a friend. on my end, i wasn’t attracted to him, but i didn’t expect to be attracted to my husband. i figured it could develop into at least somewhat of an attraction after we got married and we had sex and bonded more, but i never could wrap my head around actually being attracted to my husband.

but knowing robert hannibal has changed my previous attitude. i was attracted to robert hannibal right away, though we also had sex right away, so it’s hard to separate the two, but i am so attracted to him. i am even in love with him. so now i know it is possible for me to be attracted to a man and to be in love with a man, and now that is what i want in my husband.

In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008.  This was right after I had been seeing “Dan,” the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends.  I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children.  And I want to be a mother more than anything.

So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry.

One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email.  I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that.  I’ve always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen.

Besides, now that i know what it’s like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can’t just marry anyone.  I want to love who I marry.

Mormon Lesbian Version of The Weed: Club Unicorn: June 2012

When I read the “Club Unicorn” blog post by the Weed, where he announces that he’s gay but in a happy marriage to his wife, I couldn’t help smiling.  I could completely relate to the post, and, to some extent, I feel like I’m the female version (though there are many differences!) of Josh Weed.  After meeting and falling in love with Robert Hannibal, I knew it was possible to have same-sex attraction (and really, no opposite-sex attraction) but still love, and love being intimate with, a person of the opposite sex.

This was my response in the comments section of Weed’s blog post:

“I am so glad to have found another person who understands what I’ve gone through, only a different gender.  All my life I have only been sexually attracted to women and have had zero attraction to men.  But then I fell in love with a man. And I love having sex with him.  However, as much as I enjoy sex with him, I have never orgasmed with him (sorry if that’s too graphic) and I still am very, very attracted to women.  I completely agree with your explanation of intimacy and how that makes all the difference.  So thank you for sharing.”

Since then, I’ve read posts by other bloggers 1) questioning Josh Weed’s happy marriage to and love for his wife; 2) warning of the failures of mixed-orientation marriages; 3) asking how Weed can find sexual fulfillment; and 4) wondering how Weed could be true to himself in such a marriage.

I find all these concerns misplaced.  Let me address each one.

1) Is it real love? – Many people who identify as homosexual say that their attraction to those of the same gender is not just about sex – it is about love.  They love someone of the same gender, they have emotional connections with the same gender – their attraction is beyond sex.   A person of the same gender is who they want to spend time with, who they want to be around, who they love.

So if this type of love is true and accepted when someone who identifies as homosexual shares it with another of the same sex, why is this same love not considered true when it is shared by someone who identifies as homosexual for someone of the opposite sex?  Josh Weed shares an emotional and intimate connection, a deep love, with his wife.  How is that not considered real, or true?

2) Mixed orientation marriages – Several factors contribute to a successful or unsuccessful marriage: educational background, culture, race, religion, class status, nationality, temperament, personality, etc.  Some marriages succeed despite the couple being different in nearly every way, some marriages fail despite strong similarities, and vice versa.

What matters is the couple’s commitment to each other, to the marriage.  The Weed marriage has been going strong for ten years, and Josh and Lolly have each professed and demonstrated their commitment to their marriage.  That commitment is more important than anything else.

3) Regarding sexual fulfillment, I can only use my own experience to understand Josh Weed’s intimacy with his wife.

I have always thought the female body to be so beautiful, and the male body, even the most idealized male body, to be so ugly.  Simply put, seeing a naked man turns me off, seeing a naked woman turns me on.  And the idea of women being together turns me on so fast.

In terms of my experience, sexual pleasure for me occurs when I am with women.  Having sex with a man (other than Robert Hannibal) does absolutely nothing for me, but even just being next to a naked women turns me on.  And I can only orgasm by myself when I think of two (or more) women together.

That being said, sex with Robert Hannibal is the most wonderful sex I’ve ever had, more wonderful even than my sex with women.  This may sound strange, because I can orgasm with women, and of course I love when women bring me to orgasm, but I’ve never orgasmed with Robert Hannibal.  And yet I prefer sex with Robert Hannibal over sex with any women, even my ex-girlfriend, whom I also loved.  If I had to make a choice where I could either only have sex with Robert Hannibal for the rest of my life or only have sex with women, Robert Hannibal would easily win.  It is not even a contest.

Why is that?  As Josh said in his post, intimacy and connecting with someone you love – that is “sex at its deepest level.”  The chemicals released when I have sex with Robert Hannibal give me far greater pleasure than those released when I orgasm with a woman, no matter how intense the orgasm.  Being intimate with someone I love is the greatest feeling in the world, and that is true sexual fulfillment.

4) For those who say Josh Weed is not being true to himself – How can someone other than Josh Weed tell Josh Weed he’s not being true to himself?  Isn’t Josh Weed himself the best person to know if he’s being true to himself?

If Josh Weed is happy, and feels that he is leading a fulfilling life, and loves his wife and wants to be with her, and loves his children, and if Josh Weed feels he is being true to himself, who is anyone else to say otherwise?  How do all these people know what’s best for Josh Weed?  How do they know better than Josh Weed does?

What about a man whose wife is getting older, and he still loves her, but he also still finds himself attracted to younger women, just as when he was a young man?  Is he being true to himself by staying faithful to his aging wife?  And she him?

Or consider a man who really loves group sex but falls in love with a woman who only wants a monogamous relationship.  If he gives up group sex to commit himself to her, is he being true to himself?

To take it to a ridiculous level, what about someone who loves the taste of white sugar, but develops an allergy or an illness and thus can’t have white sugar anymore.  Suppose this person begins eating healthier foods and grows to love the taste of natural sugars found in fruits.  Is this person being true to himself?

Again, the test to determine if someone is being true to himself is if the person feels happy and fulfilled.  And the best (and really, only) person to make that determination is the person himself.

Travolta Gay Rumors, Scotty Bowers Book Re: Secret Sex Lives of the Stars and Book Describing Marilyn Monroe Lesbian Affairs

Regarding accusations that John Travolta sexually harassed male masseurs – that is one thing. No one should take advantage of his/her power or influence and harass anyone else, sexually or otherwise.

But all the talk about these accusations proving that Travolta is gay reminds me of the recent book by Scotty Bowers, “Full Service: My Adventures in Hollywood and the Secret Sex Lives of the Stars” (see NY Times review here and laweekly.com review here). Some of the stars named in the book were predominately “straight” but had same-sex affairs. Bowers himself, who had flings with many of the male stars, married a woman.

Now, is it really so unusual for someone who identifies as “straight” to be attracted to the same sex? Years ago I briefly dated “Lisa,” who worked in the film industry. She told me that literally all the girls on set, basically straight girls, flirted with her and tried to get with her.

I asked Lisa why in the film industry there seems to be so much same-sex action, even among primarily straight people. I mentioned that I never heard of any same-sex flirtation at my job, or in other industries where my other friends worked. Lisa said that, for many people, the entertainment industry represents a fantasy where people can do what they want. They’re not limited to being gay or straight – they can be with whomever they want to be with.

Now, “Full Service” is certainly not the first book or article to say that many stars of yesteryear had same-sex affairs, nor will it be the last. For instance, my major celebrity crush as a teenager, Marilyn Monroe, had at least two lesbian encounters, one with her drama coach and one with Joan Crawford, according to the recently released transcript of tapes she gave her psychologist shortly before her death.

Though to be sure, many books are written expressly to cause controversy and thus gain sales. For instance, celebrity journalist Darwin Porter’s new book, “Marilyn at Rainbow’s End,” claims that Monroe had lesbian flings with Marlene Dietrich, Barbara Stanwyck, the aforementioned Joan Crawford, and the simply luscious Elizabeth Taylor. “The Globe” tabloid writes regarding the rumors in this book: “But in her diary, Liz wrote about a sexual encounter with Marilyn after a June 1961 Frank Sinatra party. ‘Her touch was electric,’ Taylor said. ‘I wanted to see how far the b**** would go. But she had to do all the work.’”

Granted, a “celebrity journalist” and a tabloid are sparking these rumors. Who knows if the stories are really true? I have not read Porter’s book, and cannot verify any of the author’s claims. (But I hope the Elizabeth Taylor rumor is true, as she will always be the celebrity I am most in love with, the most beautiful woman who has ever lived!)

And regarding the Marilyn transcripts, who knows how accurate the transcription is? Though I have to say I don’t see any reason for the tapes to have been transcribed incorrectly. Regardless, I don’t find it outlandish at all that Monroe, who starred in my first sexual dream, could have had many lesbian encounters, and in fact I find it quite believable.

I have not read Bowers’ book either, but from the reviews and interviews with Bowers that I have read, I don’t think the book is a fraud or just a sales ploy. Bowers seems very candid, decent, and genuine in interviews. Besides, I think it perfectly reasonable that celebrities in the past had same-sex affairs. And if stars in the past had same-sex affairs, why not today’s stars?

Further, why would celebrities be any different from everyday, ordinary people? Aren’t we all human? Aren’t we all sexual beings? Don’t straight girls talk about girl crushes and straight men talk about man crushes? What if a straight girl acted on her girl crush? Would that automatically make her a lesbian?

No. Somehow we need to get past the binary world of gay/straight. On Kinsey’s scale, most people, although they may be closer to one end or the other, do not fall completely on one side. I am convinced that most people are some level of bisexual. Freud introduced the concept of innate bisexuality in all humans, and I agree with that. The potential is there for everyone, but individual experiences and behaviors can strengthen certain feelings and lessen other feelings. And not everyone is born with the same degree of bisexuality, let alone acts on such feelings.

To that end, sexuality is even more precisely described as a spectrum, as I first discovered in a post by Shashauna P. Thomas, to which I eagerly responded. Sexuality on a spectrum allows for greater fluidity. And as such, I don’t think John Travolta is completely gay or completely straight. He probably enjoys sex with men but I think he really loves his wife as well. His sexuality, like everyone’s, falls on a spectrum. In fact, I think very few people are completely homosexual. (Though I used to think I was. Until I met Robert Hannibal.)

For me, the larger issues with Travolta concern sexual harassment and adultery. If he did sexually harass others, that is wrong. If the Travolta-Preston marriage is a monogamous one, and these accusations of affairs are true, then he did cheat, and that is wrong.

But if he and his wife are in an open marriage and have a polyamorous relationship and understanding, then he did not cheat. Yet, notwithstanding the openness of the marriage, any harassment is wrong.

Regardless, I am tired of people assuming that because someone has had same-sex affairs it must mean the person is gay. No, it just means the person is a human, a sexual being. Aren’t we all?