Trying to like men in the past – written March 5, 2011 (with Feb. 20, 2011 email to my younger sister)

In thinking about how much I love Robert Hannibal, and how surprised I am to have fallen in love with a man, it feels strange to remember that I used to have to “try to like” a guy.

In a recent email to my younger sister, who knows I’m a lesbian, I told her that Robert Hannibal is the first man I’ve ever been attracted to.  My sister responded by asking about a Hispanic guy from church with dark skin who I had told her was good-looking, so I had to explain that he was another guy I was “trying to like,” before I knew what it was like to actually legitimately like a guy!

This is my email to her that I sent on Feb. 20, 2011:

no, i have never actually *liked* a guy before. when i was in junior high and high school, i would tell my friends i would like guys, so that i could seem normal and bond with my friends because girls always bond when they talk about guys they have crushes on. but i always chose guys who were older and who had girlfriends so that my friends couldn’t try to set me up with them.

as i got older and back into the church, i deliberately did try to like guys, and i was determined to have dark kids so i looked at dark guys. the hispanic guy was cute, but i wasn’t attracted to him. i talked it up as more than it was because i really wanted to find him attractive. you know how you can think someone is good-looking but you’re not attracted? that’s how it was with him.

but i was so determined to like a good mormon guy because that was right after i decided to go back to church and be celibate and get married to a mormon guy and i was reaching for someone i could be attracted to. i wanted to be excited about someone who was a guy.

plus, i was a little upset because when i had prayed to the Lord and promised to be celibate until i got married my old hairy bearded mean professor came into my head and i just couldn’t believe the Lord would want me to marry someone like that so i was very determined to find someone who looked how i wanted my future husband to look, with dark skin and no facial hair! and i think the mean prof came into my head to test me to see if i would really marry who the Lord told me to marry.

and then there was my friend [mormon friend], from [city], who is half black and half-white, and a very good mormon, and very smart, a former [political officer] to [country], etc. and i convinced myself that he was who i was supposed to marry and i told all my friends here that i was trying to like him (everyone thinks it’s so weird when i say that but that’s what i was trying to do!) and i went to go see him in [different city] when he was giving a talk.

but on my trip to [different city] i realized i was forcing something that wasn’t there – that he wasn’t interested in me as more than a friend. on my end, i wasn’t attracted to him, but i didn’t expect to be attracted to my husband. i figured it could develop into at least somewhat of an attraction after we got married and we had sex and bonded more, but i never could wrap my head around actually being attracted to my husband.

but knowing robert hannibal has changed my previous attitude. i was attracted to robert hannibal right away, though we also had sex right away, so it’s hard to separate the two, but i am so attracted to him. i am even in love with him. so now i know it is possible for me to be attracted to a man and to be in love with a man, and now that is what i want in my husband.

In my email, I was referring to the prayer and promise I made to be celibate in Nov. 2008.  This was right after I had been seeing “Dan,” the Filipino guy I was willing to marry so I could have an open marriage and have orgies and girlfriends.  I realized while seeing him that such a marriage is not the best environment in which to raise children.  And I want to be a mother more than anything.

So that November 2008 I prayed and promised the Lord that I would be celibate until I got married (a promise I obviously did not keep), and that I would marry whoever the Lord wanted me to marry.

One of my former professors, who is bearded, white, hairy, and brilliant but extremely condescending, came into my head, so that is the reference I am making in that email.  I think the Lord just put my condescending professor in my mind to test me, because there is no way I would marry someone like that.  I’ve always wanted dark kids with brown skin, and I need to marry someone dark in order for that to happen.

Besides, now that i know what it’s like to be attracted to a man, to love a man, I can’t just marry anyone.  I want to love who I marry.

Mormon Lesbian Version of The Weed: Club Unicorn: June 2012

When I read the “Club Unicorn” blog post by the Weed, where he announces that he’s gay but in a happy marriage to his wife, I couldn’t help smiling.  I could completely relate to the post, and, to some extent, I feel like I’m the female version (though there are many differences!) of Josh Weed.  After meeting and falling in love with Robert Hannibal, I knew it was possible to have same-sex attraction (and really, no opposite-sex attraction) but still love, and love being intimate with, a person of the opposite sex.

This was my response in the comments section of Weed’s blog post:

“I am so glad to have found another person who understands what I’ve gone through, only a different gender.  All my life I have only been sexually attracted to women and have had zero attraction to men.  But then I fell in love with a man. And I love having sex with him.  However, as much as I enjoy sex with him, I have never orgasmed with him (sorry if that’s too graphic) and I still am very, very attracted to women.  I completely agree with your explanation of intimacy and how that makes all the difference.  So thank you for sharing.”

Since then, I’ve read posts by other bloggers 1) questioning Josh Weed’s happy marriage to and love for his wife; 2) warning of the failures of mixed-orientation marriages; 3) asking how Weed can find sexual fulfillment; and 4) wondering how Weed could be true to himself in such a marriage.

I find all these concerns misplaced.  Let me address each one.

1) Is it real love? – Many people who identify as homosexual say that their attraction to those of the same gender is not just about sex – it is about love.  They love someone of the same gender, they have emotional connections with the same gender – their attraction is beyond sex.   A person of the same gender is who they want to spend time with, who they want to be around, who they love.

So if this type of love is true and accepted when someone who identifies as homosexual shares it with another of the same sex, why is this same love not considered true when it is shared by someone who identifies as homosexual for someone of the opposite sex?  Josh Weed shares an emotional and intimate connection, a deep love, with his wife.  How is that not considered real, or true?

2) Mixed orientation marriages – Several factors contribute to a successful or unsuccessful marriage: educational background, culture, race, religion, class status, nationality, temperament, personality, etc.  Some marriages succeed despite the couple being different in nearly every way, some marriages fail despite strong similarities, and vice versa.

What matters is the couple’s commitment to each other, to the marriage.  The Weed marriage has been going strong for ten years, and Josh and Lolly have each professed and demonstrated their commitment to their marriage.  That commitment is more important than anything else.

3) Regarding sexual fulfillment, I can only use my own experience to understand Josh Weed’s intimacy with his wife.

I have always thought the female body to be so beautiful, and the male body, even the most idealized male body, to be so ugly.  Simply put, seeing a naked man turns me off, seeing a naked woman turns me on.  And the idea of women being together turns me on so fast.

In terms of my experience, sexual pleasure for me occurs when I am with women.  Having sex with a man (other than Robert Hannibal) does absolutely nothing for me, but even just being next to a naked women turns me on.  And I can only orgasm by myself when I think of two (or more) women together.

That being said, sex with Robert Hannibal is the most wonderful sex I’ve ever had, more wonderful even than my sex with women.  This may sound strange, because I can orgasm with women, and of course I love when women bring me to orgasm, but I’ve never orgasmed with Robert Hannibal.  And yet I prefer sex with Robert Hannibal over sex with any women, even my ex-girlfriend, whom I also loved.  If I had to make a choice where I could either only have sex with Robert Hannibal for the rest of my life or only have sex with women, Robert Hannibal would easily win.  It is not even a contest.

Why is that?  As Josh said in his post, intimacy and connecting with someone you love – that is “sex at its deepest level.”  The chemicals released when I have sex with Robert Hannibal give me far greater pleasure than those released when I orgasm with a woman, no matter how intense the orgasm.  Being intimate with someone I love is the greatest feeling in the world, and that is true sexual fulfillment.

4) For those who say Josh Weed is not being true to himself – How can someone other than Josh Weed tell Josh Weed he’s not being true to himself?  Isn’t Josh Weed himself the best person to know if he’s being true to himself?

If Josh Weed is happy, and feels that he is leading a fulfilling life, and loves his wife and wants to be with her, and loves his children, and if Josh Weed feels he is being true to himself, who is anyone else to say otherwise?  How do all these people know what’s best for Josh Weed?  How do they know better than Josh Weed does?

What about a man whose wife is getting older, and he still loves her, but he also still finds himself attracted to younger women, just as when he was a young man?  Is he being true to himself by staying faithful to his aging wife?  And she him?

Or consider a man who really loves group sex but falls in love with a woman who only wants a monogamous relationship.  If he gives up group sex to commit himself to her, is he being true to himself?

To take it to a ridiculous level, what about someone who loves the taste of white sugar, but develops an allergy or an illness and thus can’t have white sugar anymore.  Suppose this person begins eating healthier foods and grows to love the taste of natural sugars found in fruits.  Is this person being true to himself?

Again, the test to determine if someone is being true to himself is if the person feels happy and fulfilled.  And the best (and really, only) person to make that determination is the person himself.

Part 3 – Dates (3b – Second Date): (1/13/2011) I am in Love with a Man for the First Time – Robert Hannibal

Robert Hannibal emailed me the Monday after our date, late at night, which was a warning sign he was married, but I chose to believe that he was simply too busy to email any earlier.  And I wanted to believe that his email address really was the one he used for friends and family; I rationalized this because I have a few friends who have email addresses that don’t include their real names.

Because I thought about Robert Hannibal all the time, any mention of anything having to do with anything that reminded me of him struck my ears.  One of my roommates is from Trinidad, and he always talks with me about economics, etc.  He was telling me about Michael Manley, who had been a leader of Jamaica, and my roommate said Manley was one of his idols and was so good for the Jamaican economy.  And one of my classmates is writing a story on Jamaican dancehall queens, and so I offered to help her if I could, and find out information about it.

So in response to Robert Hannibal’s four-sentence email to me, I replied with a six-paragraph essay asking him about Michael Manley, Jamaican dancehall queens, etc.  I just wanted to converse with him.  I thought of how I would often roll my eyes at my friends who would find out any topic of conversation they thought would interest a guy they had a crush on and then bombard him, and now here I was doing the same thing!  But I couldn’t help myself.  I just wanted to be with Robert Hannibal again, even if it was only via email.  And I also mentioned I had fun at the club and wanted to go again.

He responded: “Sure, would love to check out some more events.  I usually see my kids on weekends so I’m typically not available Fridays and Saturdays.  I’m happy to alert you to weekend events if you can find a partner.  That beig said, there is stuff happening during the week as as well.  If you’re interested in checking out a Brooklyn club tonight, I’ll be free around 10:30.”

In a second email, he commented on Michael Manly and dancehall culture (not his thing) and I just fell in love with him even more for some reason reading that email.  But it was his first email that cautioned me, referring to his kids.  However, since he said he usually saw his kids on the weekends, I had hope.  I thought he might be divorced, and that the weekend arrangement was with his ex-wife.  I recalled the recently-divorced Filipino guy whom I had met at Onie’s club, who saw his son every other day.  I also thought of “Dan,” the Filipino who I had group sex with and that was the only thing I liked about him, other than his kids.  He and his ex-wife had a flexible arrangement with the kids.  So it was possible Robert Hannibal was divorced or separated.

But I didn’t want to get my hopes too much.  So I responded that I was definitely interested in the Brooklyn club, since they had ‘bi’ nights, and I told him I understood about weekends not working out for him.  I mentioned that the only person who could be a partner for me to go to swing clubs with would be “PR,” the promoter for Onie’s club (PR is always saying he wants to go to swing clubs or parties with me, even though he has a wife and a girlfriend).  But I added in my email that PR “has the same reasons as you why he can’t do weekends, because of his kids and his wife.”

Robert Hannibal didn’t respond to that last bit, only to the club part, saying that he had the day wrong and the “bi” night was actually the next night.  Since he didn’t address the “kids and his wife” part of my email, I wondered if he really was married and was acknowledging that by not correcting me.  But I hoped that he was divorced, or at least separated.  He had to be if he only saw his kids on the weekend – if he were still married, he would see his kids everyday.  That comforted me.

Then Robert Hannibal sent me another email that day about trying a different swing club that night, called Carousel.  When I arrived at Carousel, Robert Hannibal was waiting, and I realized this was the same club where I had gone the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, the couples-only event where the Asian woman and her man had flirted with me and I didn’t do anything.

But because it was a Wednesday, a weeknight, and there wasn’t a specific party going on, the club was much less-crowded than it had been the night I went. There were absolutely no women I was interested in, let alone any men, but Robert Hannibal had us watch an older couple, probably in their late 50’s, on the bed in one of the rooms.  He touched the woman and I couldn’t understand what he saw attractive in her, although for an older woman she was nice-looking.  When the couple finished, they told us it was their first time at a swing club, and I said, “Congratulations!”  But I hadn’t touched either one of them.

Then the couple left and Robert Hannibal and I were alone and had wonderful, amazing sex.  I don’t know why he is so good and how sex with him affects me so much when sex with any other men doesn’t affect me at all.  At ALL!  I don’t come close to orgasm with Robert Hannibal, or any man, of course, but I just love, love being with him and only him.

Now, although I didn’t come close to orgasm with him, for me to actually be present while having sex with a man and to actually *like* it and not just tolerate it or hope he cums soon is a completely new experience.  I can’t explain it. But from the very first time we had sex, and every single time since, I am present in the experience.  I am with him.  And I love it.

Then we got up to get a drink.  At this club, they don’t have robes or towels, so we were walking around totally naked.  As I stood on one side of the bar and he on the other, he just stared at me, and so I said, “What?” And he said, “I’m just looking at your breasts.”  Normally, a statement like that would be so creepy and rude, but from him, it sounded thoughtful and contemplative.

He also said he would take me somewhere I would really like, and I asked him where.  He said he wouldn’t tell me because he wanted it to be a surprise.  I hoped it was the “One Leg Up” parties.  I was so intrigued by what he had told me about those parties – the elegant atmosphere, sometimes on a yacht!

After getting a drink, he took me on the dancefloor.  We were the only ones on the floor and we just started dancing very close with our arms around each other, both of us still naked, and I could feel him getting hard again.  Then he ran with me, grabbing my hand, to one of the secluded couch areas and we had sex again.  Again, it was amazing.  I didn’t think I would ever get tired of sex with Robert Hannibal.  How can he be so different from any other guy?

Then we hung out some more, and ended up having sex one more time.  Still, I was not bored with him.  I loved being with him each and every time.  And all the time in between.  Sex with  him three times in one night, just the two of us.  That was perfect for me.

At the end of the night, a cute black girl as part of a couple arrived at Carousel and she touched my breasts.  It was late so Robert Hannibal and I had to leave and I didn’t mind missing out on more of the touch of a woman.

Once again, he put me in a cab and sent me on my way, and I eagerly awaited when I would see him next.